


drown my woes in a lake of fire

by Lise



Series: Where the Devil Don't Go [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Communication Failure, Gen, Hurt Some Comfort, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Mental Health Issues, POV Thor (Marvel), Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Thor (Marvel), Rape Aftermath, Sexual Slavery, Thor Is Trying Really Hard, Trauma, tfw your brother is super traumatized and you don't know how to help, things are not going very well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 12:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17060186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: Loki is back with Thor and (nominally) free of the Grandmaster. This does not mean all the problems are resolved.





	drown my woes in a lake of fire

**Author's Note:**

> It's my favorite thing! Trauma aftermath fic!
> 
> I didn't mean to write this thing, and then I didn't mean for it to get this long, but, well, we all know how I am about having any control over my life whatsoever. So here we are! And here it is. If you're coming to this fic without reading the others - this is part of a series where Loki didn't make it off Sakaar and ended up the Grandmaster's sex slave for a while. He's pretty fucked up about it. Understandably. 
> 
> I want to note that Thor has no idea what he's doing and is _really trying_ , so don't be too hard on him, you guys. No one in this fic knows how to deal with anything. That's, like, a family trait. 
> 
> Warnings for this fic for discussion of past rape/non-consensual prostitution. 
> 
> Oh, and: dedicated to my eternal cheerleaders, [Echo](http://loxxxlay.tumblr.com) and [Lauren](http://led-lite.tumblr.com), for encouraging me. And thanks to my marvelous beta, [Amelia](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), for editing. If you like this, you can find me on that [blue hellsite](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com) we all know and love to hate.
> 
> Enjoy!

Thor scarcely saw Loki at all for the first week after he brought him back to the ship.

Loki had always been good at not being found when he didn’t want to be, but the ship was not large, and no one else seemed to have seen him either. Thor checked the room that he’d given Loki - as close as he could manage to his own - but as far as he could tell it remained untouched. 

“Can you see Loki?” Thor asked Heimdall after three days, without much hope, and indeed Heimdall shook his head. Thor had told him what he’d told anyone else who had asked - that Loki had been a prisoner and that he and Val had managed to free him. 

No one but he and Val knew more than that, and Thor hoped it could stay that way. 

“Where could he be _hiding?_ ” Thor demanded, pacing back and forth in front of Val. She shrugged. 

“How should I know?” 

“You’ve been up and down this ship helping the engineers with maintenance,” Thor said. “You _must_ know if there are places…”

“He could just be keeping moving,” Val said. “Or - he’s got magic, he can hide from Heimdall, seems like it’d be easy enough to just stay literally invisible.” 

“Why?” Thor asked. Val gave him an odd look.

“I’d think that was the easiest question to answer.” Thor stared at her, and she raised her eyebrows. “Seriously? I can think of about six reasons he’d be hiding from you specifically off the top of my head and I barely even know him. Much less everyone else. Your brother doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of guy who’d want anyone seeing his damage.” She took a swig from the flask she was holding and wiped a hand across the back of his mouth. 

Thor tried not to flinch. “Six?” He asked. Val shook her head. 

“Norns,” she said, and then held up a hand, ticking off on her fingers. “Shame. Generally fucked up and doesn’t want you seeing. You are, sort of, the reason that he was the Grandmaster’s whore for nine months and he’s pissed. He’s scared you’re going to sell him back if he ticks you off. He’s scared of what you might do to him cause he tried to stab you in the back.” She paused. “Okay, I guess just five.” 

There was a lump the size of one of the Hulk’s fists in Thor’s belly. He swallowed hard, wanting to disagree with her, but it did sound right. _You are the reason he was the Grandmaster’s whore for nine months._

He didn’t want to think of it like that. Didn’t want the _guilt,_ but…

He’d really thought that Loki would be able to free himself. 

“How am I supposed to set him straight about _any_ of that when he won’t _talk_ to me,” Thor said. Val shrugged. 

“Damned if I know,” she said. “I’m pretty much the last person you should ask about any of this.” 

“Who else am I going to ask?” Thor said. 

“Heimdall?” Val said. 

“Then I’d have to explain what happened,” Thor said. “And I don’t think Loki would ever forgive me for that.” 

“As is,” Val said, “there’s a lot of things he might not forgive you for. Seems like that’s a pretty small one, especially since it’s sort of a moot point if he never shows his face again.” She shrugged. “Just a thought.”

Thor opened his mouth and then closed it. He didn’t really have a good response for that. 

“Personally,” Val said, “I’d just leave it alone. He’ll come out if he wants to. And if he doesn’t, you’ll probably never find him.” 

“That is not reassuring,” Thor said. 

“Good thing that’s not what I was going for,” Val said. “You wanted reassuring - you should probably go to Heimdall for that, too.” She tipped her flask in his direction, hopped to her feet, and sauntered off. 

* * *

Thor was beginning to feel desperate. He still had not caught a glimpse of Loki, not even at meals, and he could not help but be somewhat concerned that Loki was simply avoiding those, too. Giving up on holding back, he went to go speak with Heimdall, to ask him for some advice, and found him talking with Loki. 

“I think there may some possibility that,” he heard Loki say, and then his eyes skated sideways and found Thor. They widened, and Thor saw the quick flick assessing possible exits like he was considering bolting. 

“There you are,” he said, infusing his voice with as much relief as he could manage. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” 

Loki’s smile was sickly and strained. “It seems you’ve found me.”

Thor’s own smile hurt but he maintained it. “What were the two of you discussing?” 

“Possible headings,” Heimdall said. “Loki had some suggestions about places we might seek resupply.” He was looking between them with narrowed eyes. Thor tried not to look suspicious, and supposed that in so doing he was probably looking very suspicious indeed. 

“That’s good,” he said cheerfully. “Helpful. I appreciate it, Loki.” 

Loki’s expression spasmed strangely. “You’re welcome,” he said, audibly strained. “It is my pleasure.”

“Actually, Heimdall,” Thor said. “I was hoping to have a chance to speak with my brother in private–”

He stopped when panic flashed through Loki’s eyes, hesitated, and then said carefully, “but I think it could wait until later, if you have further business to discuss.” 

“No,” Loki said, too quickly. “That’s quite all right. I was about to be on my way.” He inclined his head to them both and made himself scarce. Thor stared unhappily after him, wondering if he’d just given up his chance at talking to Loki for another week. 

“What was that about,” Heimdall said.

Thor cleared his throat. “I don’t think Loki much wants to talk to me.” 

“I gathered as much,” Heimdall said. “I am wondering if I should be concerned, considering previous results of strife between the two of you.” 

Thor shook his head. “No,” he said quickly. “No, I don’t think that Loki is going to cause any trouble. I just...I just need to talk to him, and he isn’t making it easy.”

“Your brother makes few things easy,” Heimdall said, but there was a wryness to it that sounded to Thor’s ear almost fond. “If you like, I can express your sentiment to him next time we speak.” 

Thor blinked. “He’s been talking to you?” He said, and then winced at how that sounded. “I don’t mean to say that he _shouldn’t–_ ” 

Heimdall frowned. “I was under the impression that you had requested that Loki offer me his assistance.” Something curdled in Thor’s gut like sour milk that felt too much like jealousy, and a strange and less specific kind of dread. “I take it that wasn’t the case,” Heimdall said, and Thor shook his head.

“Did he say as much?” He asked. “That I had asked…”

“No,” Heimdall said, frown deepening. “Only implied.” He examined Thor. “Would you like to explain to me what is going on here?” 

“I don’t know,” Thor said honestly. “We’ve barely spoken since his return. I don’t know why he would lie about this.” He breathed out, slowly. “If you see him again...please ask that he come find me?”

He could see that Heimdall wanted to press, but at least for the moment he seemed to decide to hold back. “I will.”

Thor retreated. So Loki was offering his assistance freely - that ought to be good, but Thor was uneasy. Maybe just because Loki had gone directly to Heimdall instead of to him. That did hurt, more than it should have. Heimdall was a friend, and Thor was glad that they were not at odds, but Thor was Loki’s _brother._

Loki couldn’t avoid him forever, Thor told himself. Eventually he would come around, and they would talk, and Thor would find some way of addressing...everything. Or at least starting to. 

Loki just had to give him the chance.

* * *

“I understand that you wanted to speak to me,” Loki said. His face was difficult to read. Thor tried for a while before giving up. He had, in point of fact, been about to go to sleep, but he didn’t want to risk Loki vanishing again.

“I did,” Thor said, and then corrected himself, “I do. Come in?” 

Loki hesitated. Just for a split second but Thor saw it and it made him want to wince; he tried to pretend he hadn’t noticed and just stepped back so Loki could slip inside. 

“I’m sorry I don’t have any food or drink to offer you,” Thor said, trying for a smile. One of Loki’s shoulders twitched up and then down. 

“I don’t mind.” 

“That was meant as a joke.” Thor tried to study Loki without looking like he was doing it. Did he look thinner? Paler? He couldn’t say for certain. 

“Ah,” Loki said after a moment, and glanced at Thor with a fleeting, weak, smile. “It doesn’t speak well of your humor that I didn’t notice, does it?” 

Thor laughed, though he could hear immediately that it was too loud and sounded forced. Loki tensed, his eyes flicking toward the door, and Thor cut himself off quickly. He cleared his throat.

“I have not...seen much of you since you returned,” he said carefully. 

“You’ve been busy,” Loki said evasively. Thor frowned. 

“I haven’t been busy _all_ the time. And I would certainly have made time to speak to you.” 

“I didn’t wish to presume.” 

“Presume–” Thor almost goggled. “You’re my _brother,_ Loki. It’s hardly _presumption._ ”

Loki’s eyes skated away from him again. Thor didn’t remember him being so hesitant to make eye contact. He thought abruptly of the way Loki had looked down when the Grandmaster had made his appearance, and felt his expression tighten. “Look at me,” he said, and Loki’s gaze jerked up and to his face, his body tensing further. _Mistake,_ Thor thought immediately, bitterly.

“You are Asgard’s king, now,” Loki said. His gaze only stayed on Thor’s for a moment before shifting slightly to the left. 

“And?” 

Loki’s right hand found his left and he started rubbing his thumb into his palm. “And that - changes things.”

“Not for _us,_ ” Thor insisted. Loki twitched and looked for a moment like he was going to say something, then caught himself and nodded. 

“Very well,” he said. “Point taken.” 

It was amazing, Thor thought, how Loki could make agreement feel like he’d lost. He didn’t want _point taken._ He wanted Loki to not want to _avoid_ him. But he couldn’t actually argue, because Loki hadn’t left him any grounds to argue _on._

He sighed. “I just wanted to ask how you’re...doing.”

“Fine,” Loki said promptly. Of course. Thor held back a sigh. Loki’s high collar did not quite mask the obedience disc, still embedded in the flesh of Loki’s neck. Thor had asked Val if she knew of a way to remove them without the controller, and she’d said she’d seen people try to rip them out and didn’t recommend it. 

“Really?” he said, trying to sound gentle. 

“Yes,” Loki said. “Really. Obviously the quarters are not ideal, but it is certainly manageable.” 

Thor grimaced. “You are being deliberately obtuse, brother.” 

Loki’s expression tightened, but Thor only saw it for a moment before Loki looked away, pacing over to the table by the mirror and adjusting some items on it. “I am being honest,” He said. “You asked after my welfare. I told you.” 

_I don’t believe you are,_ Thor thought, but he didn’t think it would be productive to speak. "I am here," he said, “if you want to talk about it.” Loki fell still, but only for a moment before he recovered himself.

"Talk about what?" 

Norns, he wasn't going to make this easy. Thor supposed he shouldn't be surprised. "What happened," he said. And because he could already hear Loki: _what happened when?_ he added, "with the Grandmaster." 

Loki twitched - a very slight motion but noticeable nonetheless. "What does it matter?" He said. "Whatever happened, happened. It's done with. And I do not think _you_ want to - _talk about it_ either."

He didn’t, really. Didn’t like thinking about it - where Loki had been, what he had gone through, what it meant. But he was not such a coward as to think that meant he _shouldn’t._ “I think it matters a great deal,” Thor said. Loki’s right hand opened and closed, his back still turned. 

“It does not.” 

“You cannot tell me it isn’t affecting you,” Thor said. “I’m not _blind._ ”

“It is nothing I can’t deal with.” Loki’s voice was strung as tight as he was. Thor took a step toward him only to stop when Loki tensed. 

“You could let me help you.”

Thor thought for a moment that Loki stopped breathing, but then he turned, his expression clear and open. “Were there something I required help with,” he said, “I would take you up on the offer.” 

The disc glared at Thor like a third eye, a visible counter to Loki’s words. He ran his fingers through his hair, slowly growing out though it still felt too short. “I do not believe that you are...dealing with it,” he said. 

“Believe it or do not,” Loki said, his voice a little tighter. “That is up to you.” 

Thor’s frustration overflowed his control. “Can you not trust me?” He said, his voice rising. “Will you not let me help at _all?_ ”

Loki stiffened. “What help do you think you can offer,” he said, his voice suddenly a great deal sharper. “What is it, exactly, that you think you can do?”

Thor opened his mouth and closed it. “I could at least listen,” he said. Loki looked away again.

“I have nothing to say.” 

Should he press? Should he leave it alone? Thor didn’t know what the best thing to do would be. 

“Are you angry with me?” He blurted out. A selfish question, but he suddenly needed to know. Loki was quiet for several moments, and finally sighed.

“No,” he said, quiet again. “I am not angry with you, Thor.” 

That should have been what Thor wanted to hear, but somehow hearing it felt unsatisfying. Like Loki should be angry with him, and it was wrong that he wasn’t. For some reason, he thought of the slump in Loki’s shoulders, the way he’d given up on his freedom so quickly when the Grandmaster had told him to.

“It would be all right if you were,” Thor said carefully. Loki didn’t lift his chin, but he twisted his head so he was looking at Thor sidelong. 

“I am not,” he said. “I am clear on the sequence of events, Thor. You removed me from an unfortunate situation.”

“One you would not have been in if it were not for me,” Thor said, not entirely certain why he was arguing this point. 

“One I would not have been in if I had not tried to betray you. Do you want me to blame you?” 

“No,” Thor said, frowning. “Of course not.” But maybe he did. Maybe it would make the guilt easier to bear if Loki _were_ angry. He paused, thinking of the other things Val had said. “You know I don’t intend to send you away,” Thor said. “Not now that I have you back.” 

“Well, if you are ever struggling to muster funds,” Loki said, “apparently I can be quite valuable in the right markets.” He sounded indifferent, but Thor’s stomach clenched and turned over. 

“No,” he said loudly. “Don’t even _think -_ of course I wouldn’t–” 

Loki shrugged, his smile without humor. “What is once or twice more, for the good of Asgard?” He said. Thor felt ill. 

“Loki,” he said. “You don’t...you can’t mean…”

“Of course not,” Loki said. “I tease.” That smile, though. Hollow, and without a trace of amusement. “Have I satisfied your questioning? I have things to do.” 

“I am not trying to interrogate you,” Thor said. “I just wanted to...check on you.” 

“And now you have,” Loki said, already moving for the door. “Be well, Thor.” 

With that, he was gone. Thor dropped heavily onto the bed and stared at the wall, going back over his words and trying to find where he had failed. What he ought to have said differently, that might have reached Loki. He couldn’t think of what would have been better, though. 

Maybe nothing. Maybe there really was nothing Thor could say.

* * *

He didn't know what else to do. He went to Heimdall.

"Are you going to tell me what the trouble is between you and Loki now?" Heimdall asked, even before Thor opened his mouth. Thor nearly flushed. 

"I am going to ask you for advice, actually," he said. Heimdall just looked at him, waiting, and Thor grimaced. "I told you that Loki was a prisoner," he said. "That was not...the whole truth." 

"I suspected as much," Heimdall said evenly. Thor gave him a started look, and he shrugged. "I didn't see much use in confronting you about it. It did not seem as though you were hiding anything that threatened Asgard."

"You know that I left Loki behind on Sakaar after he tried to betray me," Thor said. Heimdall nodded, and Thor exhaled. "And that he was...thereafter taken prisoner." 

"Which part of this is not true?" 

"None of it, so far." Thor swallowed hard, struggling to say the next part. "It is...what happened next. And I did not _lie,_ only...omitted pieces of the truth. Loki _was_ a prisoner, but...not only that. The Grandmaster was - using him." 

Heimdall's eyebrows drew together. "Using him how?" 

"To...acquire funds." Thor shifted uncomfortably. "Selling him." 

"For what ends," Heimdall said, though by the grim look on his face he had an idea. _You will make me say it?_ Thor thought unhappily.

"Sex," he said, trying not to cringe. Heimdall's expression tightened. 

"Ah," he said, after several moments of silence, but Thor could hear the faint threads of anger in that one word, and was relieved. He had feared some other reaction - disgust, or disdain - but he should have known Heimdall better than that.

"He won't talk to me," Thor burst out. "Won't admit that anything is wrong, even though I can see it is. He avoids me, and denies he is doing so. He flinches away when I reach out - _me!_ \- and acts as though he expects - expects - I don't _know._ Something dreadful. I don't know what to _do._ "

It was a relief to speak it all at once, and to someone other than Val, who was not a particularly good listening ear. 

"And you are asking for my advice on your best course," Heimdall said. 

"I had hoped..."

"This is not precisely within the bounds of my experience." 

"He isn't well," Thor said miserably. "I'm not certain he's eating. Or sleeping."

"It has scarcely been a fortnight," Heimdall said. "Perhaps what he needs just now is time?"

"I have thought that before," Thor said darkly. "That if I merely - left things alone they would pass. The only thing that led to was festering resentment." 

Though Thor did not think there was resentment now. He would rather that there was. Just now it seemed as though the Grandmaster had shattered Loki's will entirely.

Heimdall sighed. "I'm uncertain how to advise you. Your brother is not infrequently a cipher to me as much as anyone else, and I am no healer." 

Thor gave him a pleading look. "Perhaps if _you_ spoke to him..."

Heimdall's eyebrows shot up. "Me?" 

"Apparently he is speaking to _you,_ " Thor said. 

"I think that would stop quickly if I attempted to bring up anything serious or personal," Heimdall said. "Your brother is seldom open with anyone. And if not you..."

"Perhaps especially not me," Thor said. "We have not exactly been the closest of companions the past several years." 

"The only person, so far as I know, that he ever spoke easily with," Heimdall said, "was the Queen."

Thor fell quiet. Heimdall wasn't wrong. While Loki _had_ once brought his troubles to Thor...far more often he sought out their mother. Thor had been envious of their closeness more than once. Now he wished more than ever that she was here. Or that he could imagine what she might do.

Thor looked down, closing his eye. "Thank you for listening to me, Heimdall," he said. 

"I am sorry I cannot be of more help." He paused. "I will...keep an eye on him, as much as I am able."

"Thank you," Thor said again. It did not feel like much, but at least it was something. Meant that someone other than him would be watching over his brother so that he did not do anything reckless. That could give him some comfort, if he let it.

* * *

They hadn't pulled in enough supplies at Boeralla, thanks to the surprise of Loki's appearance, so they had to stop more quickly than planned at the nearest spaceport, despite its somewhat unsavory reputation. To Thor's surprise, Loki stood next to him on the bridge as they drew into orbit, his eyes fixed on the station. Thor snuck a sideways glance at him.

"You can go with Val and I to buy supplies," Thor said.

Loki's eyes widened and color drained from his face. "Do you need me to?" He asked, and Thor jerked, remembering Loki's - _suggestion._

"Not for - not to--" He cut off. "I just thought you might want to get out. I know the ship can feel...small. Confining." Thor saw Loki's throat bob as he swallowed, the color not returning to his face. "You don't have to," Thor said quickly. "It was just a thought." 

Loki's jaw worked. "He could be there," he said, barely audible. His hand rose up to his neck before he jerked it back down. 

Thor's heart lurched. He hadn't considered that - the possibility that they hadn't seen the last of the Grandmaster. There was the favor owed, of course, but Thor hoped privately that might be forgotten. (He couldn't let himself fear what the man might ask.) He shook his head. "It's unlikely. This place isn't exactly...I wouldn't think it was his style." 

"Maybe not," Loki said, after some hesitation. "But there could be - others."

"Others?" Thor said blankly, but Loki pressed his lips together and didn't elaborate. Thor grasped what he was saying a moment later. 

The Grandmaster had been dragging Loki hither and yon across the galaxy, selling him to Norns knew how many people (just _thinking_ that made him sick). 

"Have you been here before?" Thor asked gingerly. 

"I don't remember." Loki's voice was flat, bare of emotion. 

"You don't remember?"

Loki's shoulders locked. "I was not always in full control of my faculties," he said. 

"Oh," Thor said after a brief pause. He wondered grimly how much of that had been the Grandmaster's doing, and how much Loki's own choice. Taking a deep breath, he said, "the universe is very large." 

Loki shook his head, just a small, sharp, back and forth jerk. "No," he said. "No, I would rather - stay here. If you don't mind." 

Thor couldn't help but feel a wave of disappointment that he tried to push away. "Are you sure?" He asked. 

“Yes," Loki said. "I am sure."

Thor wanted to keep pressing, but he made himself nod. "All right," he said. "Is there anything that you would like me to look for to bring back for you?"

"No," Loki said. "Nothing."

Thor wasn't sure why Loki's response felt like a defeat, only that it did. He tried to smile, nonetheless. "Maybe I will surprise you." Loki flinched, and Thor felt his smile slip immediately off his face. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Loki said, too quickly. "Be careful, Thor." He was gone before Thor could catch him, and he was left frowning after his brother, confused. He turned toward Val, who was standing a little ways away and ostentatiously ignoring them both. 

"What did I say?" 

"Fuck if I know," Val said. Thor narrowed his eye. 

"But if you had to guess?" 

Val shrugged. "It's the kind of thing he might say, maybe. The kind of thing he liked to do, with his - favorites. Surprises. It's a control thing. Keeping people off balance so they never know what's coming next. Or maybe he just likes it, I don't know." Thor's stomach twisted into knots. 

"I just wanted to - bring him something. I thought it might cheer him up." 

"I know that," Val said. "You know that. _He_ probably knows that. Doesn't always matter what you know. It’s the other stuff that sticks with you." Her voice was studiously flat, but Thor eyed her, wondering if he should ask. He decided against it.

"So you are telling me I stepped into a swamp I didn't even know was there," Thor said. A spark of frustration started in his chest - _why does he have to make this so hard -_ but even as he thought it he knew it was unfair. Besides, that wasn't really what was bothering him. What was bothering him was the idea that Loki could hear anything he said and think of the Grandmaster. That there would be any association between the two of them in Loki's mind. 

Val shrugged. "It's just a guess,” she said, sounding defensive, and Thor felt guilt bloom in his belly. It wasn’t _her_ fault.

"I am sorry," he said. "It isn't you I'm upset with." Val shrugged, but she relaxed a little.

"Are we going down there or not?" She said, seemingly deciding to put an end to this conversation. Thor nodded, deciding to let her. 

"Yes," he said. "Let's go. I don't want to stay here long."

* * *

Some of Loki's paranoia seemed to have rubbed off on Thor. Or at any rate he found himself glancing around, half expecting the Grandmaster to appear out of nowhere and demand Thor give Loki back to him. He didn't, of course (of _course_ ), but almost worse was the times when his gaze fell on one of the other customers and the thought popped into his head, _what if that one..._

All in all it made him itchy and irritable and eager to get back to the ship. He did pause when he caught a store out of the corner of his eye with a shelf of - of all things - leather-bound books, and drifted over to investigate them. Three turned out to be a set of histories that looked vaguely interesting, and on a whim Thor bought all of them. Val took one look at the bundle under his arm and raised her eyebrows.

"What," he said defensively. She held up her hands, and Thor said, "I thought maybe Loki could use a distraction." Even as he said it, it sounded stupid. Did he think that a few books would fix what ailed Loki? That he could be healed by some dusty histories, or would leap to embrace Thor with desperate gratitude for the gift?

His heart sank, and Val grimaced. "Yeah, sure," she said. "Probably. Norns know it's boring as shit up there." Thor knew she was just trying to make him feel better, but he was still painfully grateful for the attempt. 

Their errands completed, the two of them took the Commodore back to the Statesman - though they would be staying for a while yet waiting for delivery of some replacement parts and for refueling. Thor went immediately looking for Loki, and to his slight surprise found him in the first place he checked, namely in his room.

He opened the door without knocking, expecting the room to be empty, and started at seeing Loki curled up on the bed with his back to the wall and staring blankly into space. "Ah - sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't think you would be here." Loki raised his head and looked blankly at Thor. A frisson went through him for the moment in which Loki didn't seem to be seeing him, and then he shook himself and uncurled quickly, sitting up. 

"What is it?" he asked. Thor blinked - he'd expected Loki to snap at him, or at least to be irritated with Thor for intruding on his space, and the sedateness of his response took him aback, and a moment later unnerved him. He tried to shake both off and summoned a smile. 

"I brought you something," he said. "I know how you get bored. And when you get bored things tend to get interesting for everyone else." He infused his voice with a note of teasing, hoping for a rise, or a sharp comment back, or even a glare. Nothing. If anything, Loki looked - wary, nervous. Thor cleared his throat and held out the books. "I don't know if they'll actually be interesting - I just glanced through - but Asgard's new library has to start somewhere, right?" 

A very small frown line appeared between Loki's eyebrows and disappeared just as quickly. He stood up and took the books, turning them to look at the spines. "Thank you," he said after a brief pause. "It's very thoughtful of you." 

Thor didn't know precisely what he'd expected, but he'd expected something more than that. Thor might as well be a stranger. He faltered, trying to read Loki's face, but his brother was giving him nothing. He floundered, casting about for something to say to keep this conversation going. "You must be mourning that library as much as anything else on Asgard," Thor said. Loki glanced at him through his eyelashes, pausing in studying the books in his hands like they might reveal their secrets to him if he stared at them long enough.

"No," he said quickly. "Of course not." 

"I was teasing," Thor said after a moment, feeling again that peculiar lurch of wrongness, of something _off_ about Loki's responses. Loki rocked back slightly and then laughed, weak and strained. 

"Of course you were," he said, though it sounded more directed at himself than at Thor. Thor frowned at him, worry flaring up like embers fanned into flame. 

"Are you all right?" He asked. Loki's eyes snapped up to Thor's and just as quickly jerked away. 

"Yes," he said. "I am, only - a bit distracted."

"What by?" Thor asked. "Perhaps I could help you clear your head." 

Loki flashed him a smile that looked tight and false. "That isn't necessary. It's nothing dire."

"It needn't be dire to be worth talking through," Thor attempted. Loki gave him that quick look again, like he was trying to suss out some meaning underneath Thor's words that wasn't there. 

"There is a great deal to be distracted by, isn't there?" He said after a pause. "And I have not...been sleeping well. The noise, the motion..." He smiled ruefully. "Apparently, neither is terribly conducive to rest."

_You're lying,_ Thor wanted to say, frustration suddenly rising in his chest. _I know you are, why are you lying to me? Why won't you talk to me?_ He held it in with some effort and tried again. "Is that all it is?" 

“What else would it be?” Loki said with studied neutrality. Thor just looked at him, and Loki glanced aside. “What do you want of me?” 

There was a plea in his voice that left Thor off guard. Not defensive, more - plaintive, almost _desperate,_ like he just wanted Thor to _stop._ He cleared his throat, faltering. “I just want…” Thor looked at the books in Loki’s hands. “I just want you to know you can speak to me, if you like.” 

“You’ve said,” Loki said, and then flinched and said, “I appreciate it, Thor. But you don’t need to...mind me.”

“I’m not trying to _mind_ you,” Thor protested, and Loki flinched again. 

“It wasn’t a criticism,” Loki said. “I know that you feel - responsible. But I assure you I have no intention of causing you any difficulty.” His smile was thin and looked like it hurt him. “My mischief-making days are behind me.” 

That jarred Thor, setting off another alarm bell of _wrong, that’s wrong._ “I hope not,” he said, trying to sound like he was joking. “I shouldn’t recognize you, otherwise.” 

Loki seemed to waver, then caught himself. His smile seemed to ease. “We can’t have that,” he said, sounding more like himself, but for some reason the alarm in Thor’s head didn’t cease. If anything, got louder. Thor scrutinized him, but Loki’s expression told him nothing. 

He gestured weakly at the books. “Well,” he said, “I hope you enjoy them,” and retreated, like a coward. Even as he walked away he swore at himself for it. Somehow, it seemed he ought to have found the words to reach Loki. It seemed as though they must be right _there,_ just out of sight, but Thor didn’t know where to look.

* * *

Frustrated and disheartened, distracted by trying to figure out his next move when it came to Loki, Thor almost ran bodily into the Hulk. He dredged up a smile, part of him briefly wishing for Bruce Banner. "Hello, Hulk," he said.

"Haven't seen Thor much," Hulk said.

"I've been busy," Thor said. Hulk wrinkled his nose. 

"Because of puny god?" He said. Thor fell still. He hadn't been keeping Loki's presence a secret - that would have been impossible - but he also hadn't actually directly discussed it with Hulk. 

"Somewhat," he said. "Though...not as much as you might think. And it isn't his fault," he added quickly, just in case. Hulk frowned a moment longer and then huffed.

"Hulk not seen puny god."

"He's probably keeping his distance," Thor said. "Out of respect." Out of fear, more like, and that was something Thor wanted to address somehow, but on top of everything else... "Do you want to see him?" He asked carefully. Hulk seemed to consider that. 

"Maybe," he said, with a worrying grin, and Thor winced. 

"Loki isn't your enemy now," he said. "You shouldn't try to scare him." He paused, then added, "he was hurt, too. So he isn't quite as durable as he usually would be." 

Hulk frowned. "Thor upset." 

Thor sighed. "Yes," he murmured under his breath. "Yes he is." More loudly, he said, "Loki's my brother. I don't want him to be hurt." He didn't really think the Hulk would target Loki, but he hoped that maybe it would mean something for him to say it that way. 

"Who hurt him?" Hulk asked. Thor sighed again.

"The Grandmaster," he said, after considering lying, or giving some other answer. "Mostly."

"Hmph. Grandmaster nice to _me,_ " Hulk said. Thor's temper stretched a little and he pushed it back down. 

"I'm glad he was," Thor said. "But he isn't a very nice person. And he definitely wasn't nice to Loki." Hulk seemed to consider _that_ for a while, then nodded. 

"If Hulk sees puny god," he said, "Hulk will be nice."

Thor doubted very much that he would see Loki - Loki had shown himself able at avoiding being found even in these tight quarters. But it was still good to hear. "Thank you," he said. "I appreciate it."

"Thor happier now?" Hulk asked, sounding hopeful. Thor hunted down another smile. 

"Yes," he lied. "Thank you, I am." 

"Hey, big guy!" Val's voice rang out behind him, and Thor turned to see her striding toward them. "There you are. Been looking for you. Hey, Thor."

"Angry girl!" Hulk said. Thor gave her a weak smile, too, and her stride checked a little.

"Uh oh," she said. "Who died?" 

"No one," Thor said. "I was just talking to Loki."

"Ah," Val said, after a lengthy pause. "Guessing it didn't go well." 

"It was fine," Thor said. She just raised her eyebrows, and Thor glanced away. "I don't know. Nothing _happened._ He's just not...acting like himself." 

“That’s not new or different, is it?” Val said. “Besides, what’s even ‘himself’ now? Probably not the same thing it was before Gast got to him.” Thor’s stricken feeling must have shown on his face, because she grimaced. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not wrong, am I?” 

She wasn’t, and Thor knew she wasn’t, but it still felt like...he should be able to get that Loki _back._ He just had to figure out how. 

“Maybe you should try just leaving him alone for a while,” Val said. “Give him some space.” 

Thor shook his head. “I don’t think that’s what he needs. Loki always closed himself off when he was - troubled. And it was never good for him.” 

“Was,” Val said. “Again: might’ve changed.”

Thor sighed. “It doesn’t really matter,” he said. “Loki has shown that if he wants to avoid me, he’s perfectly capable of doing it without my giving him permission.” 

But he hoped Loki wouldn’t. Even if he did, though...Thor truly didn’t feel like he could trust Loki enough to let him without trying to bring him out. He still felt too far away as it was, and Thor was afraid of what might happen if he kept drifting farther. 

* * *

Loki didn't completely disappear again. It almost would have been easier if he had. 

He made regular appearances at meetings with Thor, Heimdall, and Valkyrie. He gave Thor reports on the projects he was picking up - everything from working on tracking down anyone with a modicum of healing knowledge for training to managing a running inventory of their supplies to helping Heimdall map out their route. It was all immensely helpful, and it all felt wrong. 

"Is it possible you simply have low expectations after the past several years, and he is exceeding them?" Heimdall asked, when Thor expressed as much to him. Thor considered that. 

"Possible," he allowed, "but I don't think that is it. This is something else."

But what that _something else_ was, Thor wasn't certain. It boiled down to the same thing he'd said to Valkyrie: that Loki wasn't acting like _himself._ He was too quiet. Too quick to agree. Thor tried, once or twice, throwing out a patently absurd idea, but while Loki would give him a quick glance like he wasn't sure if he'd heard right, it was either Valkyrie or Heimdall - usually Heimdall - who voiced the objection, while Loki stayed quiet. 

"What do you think?" Thor asked him once, in the spirit of experimentation. Loki glanced at Heimdall and then at Thor, something in his expression that Thor couldn't quite read, and finally smiled crookedly.

"It isn't the path I would take," he said, "but of course that may be a reason to take it. Then again, Heimdall's judgment is generally sound." 

"Thank you," Heimdall said dryly. Loki twitched, but his eyes stayed on Thor, watchful. It felt strangely familiar, that response, and it took him a moment to sort out why. It was all too similar to the way Loki had answered the Grandmaster asking what he wanted. Self-deprecating. Playing down his own opinion in favor of someone else's. 

He changed the subject, disconcerted. It ought to be to the good that Loki was avoiding confrontation with him. It certainly made being around him less fraught, at least in that way. But it didn't feel right. Didn't feel like _Loki._ And he doubted that the _desire_ was gone: he was just holding it in. Suppressing it. Thor feared that would only lead to an explosion.

Thor caught him after the meeting, grabbing his arm before he could slip away. Loki stiffened and Thor quickly let go. "May I have a moment?"

"Of course," Loki said, his expression too open and unguarded for his tense and wary posture. "What is it?" 

"You know that I value your opinions," Thor said. "You should feel free to speak up with whatever you may have to say." 

"Thank you," Loki said, which seemed like a bit of a strange response. 

"I would hope that if I am being stupid, you would tell me," Thor pressed on. "You've certainly never been shy of it before." 

Loki twitched again, that small motion that wasn't quite a flinch. "I may have at times been overly harsh," he said. Thor frowned, and Loki added, "but I will...remember that." 

That did not seem to Thor like a satisfying response. He searched for another way to put what he was trying to say, feeling distinctly as though he had, once again, wandered into an unexpected swamp. "Considering that," he said, "do you have any thoughts that you would offer me? After all," he tried for another smile, "you _are_ the one between the two of us with more experience ruling." 

Loki shook his head. "You are a better ruler than I could ever be," he said. Thor scrutinized him, disconcerted. It wasn't as though...Loki had hardly been an _ideal_ ruler, but for him to say that so quickly - Loki, who had always been so very proud...

"When you were king, Asgard at least was prospering," Thor said. "The people seemed happy enough." Loki glanced at Thor, looking at him with that same strangely intense but also strangely hesitant expression, like Thor was speaking gibberish. Thor shrugged. "I am just saying. I wasn't asking for compliments."

"I have no critique to give," Loki said after a brief hesitation. "I will, of course, inform you should that change."

"Of course," Thor echoed, unconvinced. Loki dipped his head in a slight nod. 

"Was there anything else?" 

"There's nothing you want to say to me?" Thor asked, feeling a little desperate. "Nothing that I should know, or you want to share, or..." He trailed weakly off. "It is only that you have been very...quiet."

"No," Loki said. "There is nothing." He smiled, though to Thor's eye the expression seemed empty. "Perhaps I've simply learned to manage my words a little better." 

_Too well, and too much,_ Thor thought, but he sighed, and nodded, worried that to press might only make things worse. "Perhaps," he allowed. "I'll see you soon. Be well, Loki." 

"Be well, Thor," Loki said. "I'll see you soon." And he slipped away, without a sound.

* * *

Ten days after their last stop, one of the stabilizers broke. 

"I thought we _just_ replaced that," Thor said, exasperated. 

"No," Heimdall said. "We replaced the other one." 

Thor resisted the urge to kick the wall, taking a deep breath. "Find us the nearest port we might be able to buy a replacement," he said heavily, thinking unhappily of their dwindling coffers. Before long, they were going to be reduced to begging. 

Nothing to be done. They headed toward planetfall on Aster, and held a meeting to discuss how they were going to handle bargaining in light of their severely limited resources, which meant in part discussing who was going to make up the landing party. 

Thor glanced at Loki, who was sitting with his hands folded on the table and listening, and finally said, "maybe Loki should come." 

Valkyrie and Loki gave him almost the same incredulous look. Only Heimdall seemed thoughtful. Thor remained calm as though he were unaware of both. "If we're going to be attempting difficult negotiations from a disadvantaged position," he said casually, "you've always been better at that than I am." 

Val looked like she was about to mention that Thor had been managing bargaining just fine for most of their travels thus far. Thor shot her a brief frown before looking back at Loki, whose eyebrows were pulled together. "I am quite out of practice," he said at length, audibly hesitant. Heimdall's expression had shifted to one that suggested he knew what Thor was doing and wasn't sure about it. 

"That's fine," Val said. "I can always threaten them into submission. Whoever they are. I'm pretty good at that." 

"That works for me," Thor said with a shrug. Loki made a small noise, not quite of protest, and then pressed his lips together. Thor glanced at him. "What?" 

"This isn't some backwater space station," Loki said. "If you start throwing around threats that - realistically - you can't back up--" He cut off, withdrawing into himself. Thor kept himself from smiling. 

"What do _you_ suggest?" He asked. 

Loki opened his mouth, then closed it. His jaw worked. Finally, he said, "I'll go with you," voice tight. Thor beamed at him. 

"Thank you," he said, meaning it. "I'll be glad to have you there."

"Valkyrie and I can stay with the ship, and the people," Heimdall said. "But stay in close communication. In case anything goes amiss." His gaze settled heavily on Thor. 

"Of course," Thor said. "We will. But Loki and I can fend for ourselves." 

"Mm," Val said. Thor shot her a look. Loki looked like he thought he'd been manipulated into something but wasn't entirely certain. Thor put a hand on his shoulder, though he pulled it away when he felt Loki tense. 

"Come," he said. "Let's get ready to make our landing." 

Loki slid his gaze sideways in Thor's direction, then stood. "Indeed," he said. "Let's." Then paused. "Is there some kind of database anywhere on board? I should like to know something about the planet we are going to be on." 

"There's _something,_ " Val said. "I don't know how useful it'll be, though."

"Probably better than nothing," Loki said. "Show me?" 

Val gave Thor one last look, then said, "this way," and led Loki out. Thor turned toward Heimdall, who raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" 

_No._ "It's the only way I can think of to convince him to leave the ship. And I hope that it might...restore some of his confidence." Thor paused. "Do _you_ think it's a bad idea?"

"Difficult to say. I can see your reasoning. But if anything goes wrong..." Heimdall glanced toward the doorway. 

"I'll be right there," Thor said. "I can deal with it."

"Any immediate danger? Likely. The aftermath?" Thor stiffened. 

"Are you telling me I should just let him hide on this ship for the rest of his life?" He said, too sharply. Defensively, he knew, because the fact was that Heimdall might be right. Heimdall just looked at him, and Thor glanced away with a grimace. "I'm not going to take it back now," he said. 

"No," Heimdall said. "That would certainly be worse." He examined Thor a moment longer and said, "I hope it goes well."

"As do I," Thor said, though he could not help but resent, a little, how swiftly Heimdall had punctured his bubble of triumph.

* * *

Loki spent the journey to Aster's surface drumming his fingers nervously on his knees, his shoulders a rigid line, anxiety radiating from him. Thor debated with himself on whether to mention it and try to soothe him, or pretend he didn't notice. 

Once they did land, though, Thor was very quickly gratified by his decision. 

Watching Loki work - when it wasn't on _him -_ had always been a pleasure. He could talk circles around almost anyone, weave words so tightly together that his target didn't see the snare closing until it was too late. He seemed to have an instinct for when to cajole and when to use more force, when to heave an artful sigh of regret and when to let his lip curl as though something was beneath him. 

But more than the satisfaction of watching Loki work his way through the merchants until he landed them in front of the guild that held control of Aster's trade was the fact that finally he looked like _himself._ Like the Loki Thor knew - even the one he remembered from before all of this, such that Thor could almost imagine that this was just one of their adventures. That they were still young, without a care in the world. 

"What are you smiling at," Loki asked quietly, as they sat waiting for their audience, wariness creeping back into his expression.

"Nothing," Thor said, because he didn't think _you_ was safe to say. "It just seems as though things are going well."

"So far," Loki said. 

"I am confident that you can manage the rest," Thor said. Loki glanced away, a frown appearing between his eyebrows. 

"I expected that you would want to take it from here."

"No," Thor said cheerfully. "I wasn't planning on it." 

Loki's eyebrows furrowed further and his hands folded together, right thumb massaging his left hand in an old and all too familiar gesture of agitation. Thor held in his sigh and decided to leave it alone. 

His brother's anxiety vanished the moment they were summoned, though Thor didn't doubt that it was still there, only hidden. Still, he spoke eloquently, persuasively, managing somehow to make an appeal to generosity without sounding as though they were begging. Thor listened quietly, carefully keeping himself from smiling.

The guild agreed to sell them a new stabilizer for a pittance, though they would have to wait for delivery to the Statesman. Thor kept himself from grinning, holding himself back to a restrained bow and a "we thank you for your great generosity." 

It was only once they were out and Loki's shoulders slumped that Thor realized how much tension he had been holding. "Well," he said quietly, spoken more to himself than anything else, "that's done."

"And done well," Thor said, and only just caught himself before clapping Loki on the back. "Shall we celebrate, before returning to the Statesman with the good news?" 

Loki hesitated, scanning Thor's face, and then offered a wan smile. "Why not?" 

Thor felt an immediate burst of relief and smiled widely at Loki. His expression flickered with something like relief, but it was gone before Thor could pin it down. 

He found a bar that looked relatively friendly and went in, and after some wrestling with a menu full of unfamiliar options, ordered two of the drinks that looked most likely to be appealing. He could feel Loki watching him closely, and when they sat down turned to look him in the eye.

"What is it?" He asked. Loki shifted. 

"Nothing," he said. Thor raised his eyebrows. 

"Either you have become a worse liar or you aren't trying," he said. A muscle by Loki's eye twitched. 

"It is nothing," he insisted. "Just...a long day. It isn't the easiest work. Not that I'm complaining," he added quickly, and Thor frowned slightly.

"I appreciate it," he said, instead of trying to address. "I doubt this would have gone half so smoothly without your aid." 

Loki looked down at his hands. "I doubt that," he said. "How long have you been journeying? If you were so little skilled as you would have me believe, you would never have made it this far." Ah, Thor thought. So his ruse had been seen through after all. 

"If you knew that," Thor said, after considering denying it, "then why did you agree to come?" 

Loki gave him a strange look. "Because you wanted me to," he said, as though it were obvious. A lump settled in Thor's stomach. 

He took a swallow from his drink - more bitter than he would have liked - and said, "you didn't have to."

"I know," Loki said carefully. "But..." He trailed off, his eyes moving from Thor to look over his shoulder. The color drained out of his face. 

"What?" Thor asked, twisting around, immediately thinking _it's him._ "What is it?" He couldn't see anything out of the ordinary - certainly not the Grandmaster. There was a Kree looking at them, eyes narrowed like he was trying to remember something. “Is it him?” Thor asked, lowering his voice.

"Let's go," Loki said, his voice tight, just as the Kree's eyes widened, expression clearing. He stood up and walked over to them. 

"I knew it," he said. "I knew I'd seen your face before." He was talking to Loki, Thor realized, and felt his face freeze even before the Kree turned and looked him over. "Buyer or seller?" He asked, and Thor's hands curled into fists. 

"Back away," he rumbled. The Kree raised his eyebrows. 

"It was just a basic question." His eyes slid back to Loki. "When do you have him until?" 

Anger burned deep in Thor's belly, joined with nausea. He didn't dare look at Loki. "I don't," he said. "I don't _have_ him."

The Kree gave him an odd look. "You the new bodyguard or something, then?" Thor's jaw worked, and the Kree sighed. "Come on. Give me an hour. Your boss doesn't need to know, you can pocket the credits yourself." His eyes wandered back over to Loki, and he licked his lips. 

An animal inside Thor's chest clawed its way to the surface and a roar exploded out of him. His vision went red and before he was aware of deciding to move he already had, grabbing the Kree by the throat with one hand and driving his fist into his face until he felt something crack under his knuckles. Then Thor let go, only to backhand him across his bloodied face hard enough to send him skidding across the floor. He lay there, wheezing and spitting teeth, and Thor started toward him with thoughts of snapping every bone in his body, crushing his head to a pulp, ripping out that offending tongue--

Loki's nails dug into his arm. " _Thor,_ " he hissed. "Stop. We need to go." 

The shopkeeper was babbling something. The edges of Thor's vision were foggy and tinged with red, and he didn't understand why Loki was telling him to stop. He tried to pull away, but Loki only tightened his grip. " _Thor._ Station security is on its way. Unless you want to be stuck in a cell--"

"He needs to pay," Thor said. His voice sounded rough and guttural. Loki made a noise like he was choking on a laugh. 

"Half his teeth are gone and he'll be lucky if they can reconstruct his nose," Loki said. "I think you showed him. _Please,_ Thor." 

That broke through. That _please._ Thor dragged himself one step back from the edge, then two. He nodded, and heard Loki's relieved exhale and quiet, "thank you." 

The rage continued bubbling in him, though, even after they left the station. The yearning remained, to go back and do more, do _worse._

Thor made himself let go of the controls, concerned that they might break in his grip. 

"Are you all right?" He asked, though his voice still didn't quite sound like his.

"Fine," Loki said unconvincingly. Thor twisted to look at him, but Loki was staring down at his hands where they were twisting in his lap. "I shouldn't have gone with you." 

Thor shook his head. "That's not - you should be able to walk about without - being _harrassed._ " He'd assumed that Thor had bought Loki for himself. Or else was serving the Grandmaster. Did he look like the kind of person who would...

"He wasn't harassing me," Loki said dully. "You should have just told him I wasn't for sale."

Thor's stomach heaved. "No," he said, not quite a snarl. "I should have just killed him outright the second he opened his mouth." 

“Thor-” Loki cut himself off. His shoulders hunched further like he was trying to curl into himself. “Just...leave it.” 

“How can I just _leave_ it? That he would _dare_ treat you like, like–”

“Like a whore?” Loki’s voice was brittle. “That’s what I _was,_ Thor. He had no reason to assume anything else.” 

Thor’s voice rose. “Are you _defending_ him?” 

Loki flinched back into his seat. “No,” he said quickly. “No, only saying that - this isn’t unexpected. And unlikely to be - unique. And I would advise you not to...react as you did this time, in the future.” He wasn’t looking at Thor.

Thor shook his head. “I can’t accept that,” he said harshly. “I will not stand by and let them insult you - insult you myself, by allowing their assumptions.”

“I can take a little insult,” Loki said. “Particularly when it is only barely inaccurate.” 

Thor’s anger boiled up again and he almost slammed his hand against the dashboard. He only just stopped himself, inhaling slowly and letting it back out. “I know you _can._ I don’t want you to.” 

Loki looked like he was struggling with something only to finally slump, defeated. “It is up to you. I’ve offered - my thoughts.” 

Thor felt like he’d just tripped over an invisible obstacle in his path, feeling once again like he’d said the wrong thing. The anger drained out of him. “I don’t want you to think,” he said more quietly, “that you aren’t worth defending.” 

“I don’t think that,” Loki said, but he didn’t look up, and Thor thought, _liar._

They landed back on the Statesman without speaking further. Val met them as they disembarked and glanced back and forth once, her eyebrows shooting up. “What the hell happened down there?” She asked.

“Thor took on a duel for my honor,” Loki said, his voice dull. “If you’ll excuse me,” and he slipped away, smooth as a fish sliding out of the fisherman’s grasp. 

Val turned her gaze on him, and Thor felt his face pinch. “Someone recognized him,” he said. “They approached us and tried to - I disabused him of his assumption.” 

“Someone tried to proposition Loki,” Val said.

“Someone tried to proposition me to _sell_ them Loki,” Thor corrected. He could feel the anger coming back, boiling just under the surface. 

“Guessing that’s their blood on your knuckles,” Val said. Thor jerked his head in a nod, and she whistled through her teeth, glancing over her shoulder in the direction Loki had gone. “Shit coincidence,” she said. “He seems to be taking it all right, though?” 

“He isn’t,” Thor said. “ _Loki_ told me that I should have just left it alone. _Loki_ would probably say that I should have taken the coin–” He cut off, sucking in a breath. Val’s eyes had gone a little wide, and Thor looked away. “Never mind.” 

“Did he say that?” Val asked. 

“Not _this_ time,” Thor said darkly. He rubbed his hands down his face. “I need a drink.” 

“Sorry, Highness,” Val said. “You’re shit outta luck there.” She looked after Loki again. “You ever think maybe you should just find someone to wipe the last year out of his memory and go from there?” 

For a half a second, Thor _actually_ considered it. Then shoved the thought aside. “No.” 

“That’s probably the ethical answer.” 

Thor hesitated. “Maybe if _you_ tried to speak with him _…_ ”

“Don’t even finish that sentence,” Val said, holding up both hands. “I am _not_ taking that on. Odds are I’d just make it worse, and even if I didn’t...no _thanks._ I’ve got enough shit in my head without taking on anyone else’s.”

* * *

Thor debated with himself for nearly an hour before he went to find Loki. He checked his room, first, without much hope, only to hear a weary sounding "come in" in response to his knock.

"You don't want to know who it is?" he said. 

"I can guess." 

Thor opened the door and let himself in. Loki was sitting at a makeshift desk and staring at some papers on it - Thor squinted to see if he could read any of the writing, but couldn't make out any words. "I wanted to check on you," he said, when Loki said nothing. 

"I am fine." 

"You can't expect me to believe that." 

"It caught me by surprise. But it isn't as though he actually did anything." He shrugged one shoulder. "There is truly nothing to get worked up over." He turned his head slightly and gave Thor one of those empty smiles. "It's a bit late to claim offended dignity." 

Thor pressed his lips together. " _I'm_ offended." 

"You shouldn't waste your energy." Finally, Loki turned the rest of his body to face Thor. "It really is fine."

"It wasn't back there," Thor said. "You were afraid. You tried to get us to leave." 

"I didn't want _you_ to get involved," Loki said, but Thor didn't even have to stretch to know it was a lie. 

"I don't believe you." 

"You don't have to believe me," Loki said. "Just...leave it alone."

"How can I _leave it alone,_ " Thor burst out. "Why would you _want_ me to?" 

Loki's right hand curled into a fist. "Because if you won't let it go, I can't either."

"Can you?" Thor pressed. "As far as I can tell, you aren't. You hide away, keeping to yourself, refusing my aid."

"If I needed anything," Loki said, or started to say. 

"You would ask? Would you? I doubt you would ask me for a cup of water if you were on fire--"

"Why would I?" Loki burst out, and for all the startling, sudden sharpness in Loki's voice, Thor was almost relieved. "Why _would_ I ask, Thor, why would I want your help when this is _your fault,_ you were the one who _left_ me there and never looked back--"

And then, just as Thor thought he had finally, _finally_ broken through Loki's shell, he cut off. The color left his face and he snapped his mouth shut, eyes widening. He sucked in a breath and for a moment Thor thought he'd been hurt, somehow, but then his gaze dropped.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't mean - I know that isn't fair."

Thor blinked twice, feeling more than a bit of whiplash. In the face of his confused silence, Loki seemed to shrink, drawing inward. "I shouldn't have lost my temper with you," Loki said, the words coming out more quickly. "It was - I know how much I owe you." 

Thor shook his head, unease stirring in his belly. "You don't _owe_ me."

Loki swallowed, lowered eyes darting to the side. "I do," he said. "And I am - I am grateful. Truly."

"Loki," Thor said slowly. "I'm not angry with you."

Glancing warily up at him through his eyelashes, Loki held perfectly still for several long moments before he relaxed. "Oh," he said. "Oh. Good." 

Thor made himself laugh. "Did you really think I would be angry with you for getting a little irritated with me? That's hardly the worst thing you've done. In the past year alone."

He meant it as a joke, a tease, but Loki flinched. “I know,” he said, his voice suddenly hoarse and slightly unsteady. “I know I have been - a poor excuse for a brother. Or anything else,” he added, with a laugh that sounded strained. “I do - I _do_ mean to do better now, though. I swear it.” There was a faint note of desperation in those last words, and Thor frowned at Loki, his unease only deepening. 

“I believe you,” he said slowly. “You have been…very helpful.” 

“What more can I do?” Loki asked, and Thor might have taken it for bitter words were it not for the way he was looking at Thor, the earnestness of the question, the taut way he held himself like–

Like a hound awaiting its master’s command. 

Thor’s stomach sank. 

“Nothing,” Thor said. “There’s nothing else you need to do.” 

He’d hoped for that to give Loki ease, but he just tensed further. 

"Loki, you know I'm not..." Thor checked himself, shifting uncomfortably. "You don't have to earn your place." The anxious energy radiating from Loki didn't ease, and Thor searched for more words, something to better communicate what suddenly seemed urgent. "You know I am just...glad you're here." 

Loki's eyes flicked away. "I know," he said, though there was a hesitation to it, and Thor thought he knew what it meant: _for now._ He thought suddenly of what Loki had said: _I did what he wanted. And when he was pleased, I was pleased._

Maybe, Thor thought, nauseated, Loki didn't feel so much like he was free as like he had just - changed owners. 

He almost took a step back, nausea intensifying, because it made a kind of sense of Loki's odd behavior. He'd just slipped seamlessly into playing the same role he had been for the Grandmaster, and Thor didn't have the faintest idea of how to shake him out of it. 

He took a step toward Loki, who scrambled back two and then froze. Thor held up his hands, his stomach aching. "Loki," he said carefully, "it's only me. I'm not going to _hurt_ you."

Loki licked his lips. "Not yet," he said, voice hoarse, and then looked stricken as Thor felt. "I didn't--"

"Did you?" Thor interrupted, his voice unsteady. "Do you think that I'll..."

Loki wouldn't look at him. "No," he said. "No, of course not." 

"Stop _lying_ to me," Thor said, his voice rising sharply. Loki flinched again, drawing away, and Thor wanted to curse. "Just...answer the question. Please." 

"I don't know," Loki said after a long pause, still not looking at Thor. "I don't want to assume. And I would...it seemed wise to err on the side of caution, since - I can't imagine you have much patience left for me." 

More and more pieces were falling into place, and Thor liked the picture they formed less and less. "You are my _brother,_ " he protested.

Loki glanced at him through his eyelashes and said, "that does not grant me immunity. Nor should it," he added, too quickly, like he’d realized that he might have overstepped. 

Thor just stared at him, at a loss. There ought to be something he could say, but he was too overwhelmed by the fact of what he now recognized. Loki's subdued reactions and agitation weren't just the product of bad memories - leftover aftershocks from the Grandmaster's work. This ran deeper, darker, and far uglier, because it was about Thor _himself._

He knew, deep down, that that wasn't quite true. That as much as anything this was precisely the result of the Grandmaster's conditioning. But it didn't feel that way. This felt like _his_ fault. "I want you here," he said, though his voice sounded weak. 

"Right now you do," Loki said, implacable though his voice wobbled. "I do not want to test your patience."

"Test my - do you think I am so short-tempered as that?" Thor cried. "So quick to cast aside my friends?"

"Not your friends," Loki said. The wobble in his voice was more pronounced. "But we aren't that, are we?"

Thor felt as though he'd been punched in the stomach. There was a note of something in Loki's voice, an aching hurt alongside a tired resignation. Like it was a - foregone conclusion, inarguable fact. Thor wanted to grab Loki's shoulders and shake him. He might have, except he was afraid to see Loki flinch from him. All he could think to say, his head spinning, was, "I'm not the Grandmaster." 

Loki jerked. "I know you are not."

"You are acting like I am. Like I am - a master you need to please." Loki said nothing, and Thor squeezed his eye closed. "That isn't what I want."

"Then what do you want?" Loki asked, and it was that question again, and Thor wanted to answer but he was afraid if he did that Loki would just give him that because it was what Thor wanted, regardless of what _he_ did, and his brother would keep slipping further and further away until he was lost for good in a mire of pretending to be something he was not.

Thor took a deep breath and tried to consider his words carefully. "It doesn't matter what I want," he said. "That isn't the point." 

Loki was starting to look cornered, like Thor had him backed against a wall. "What is?"

"The point is--" Thor floundered. "The point is that I am not the Grandmaster and I'm not going to treat you like he did. I'm not going to - cast you aside - I'd _hope_ that the fact that I haven't already would be proof enough of that," he said, and then regretted it, because even if that wasn't how he'd _meant_ it, leaving Loki in that hangar, after what had happened...but Loki didn't object, just looked more like he wanted to run. "If I want anything, it is just for you to - _talk_ to me! Stop hiding, stop closing yourself off, stop acting like you're _fine_ when you clearly are anything but--"

Loki twitched. For just a moment, his expression cracked, and Thor dove after it. 

"I'm not a fool," he said. "And I am not willing to humor you in pretending that the Grandmaster did not hurt you."

"No," Loki said, his voice tight and strained. "Why would you humor me when it comes to my own wishes--" He cut off, abruptly, but it was a fissure and if Thor could just break open that _infuriating_ mask, make Loki admit what Thor already knew, lance this infection so it could begin to heal...

"When your wishes are causing you harm, why would I, indeed?" Thor said. "You always do this. Always close yourself off from everyone rather than seeking aid. It's utter _stupidity._ "

Loki's chest rose and fell quickly. He was almost vibrating, like he was trying to contain something just on the verge of breaking through. "Some things do not need to be spoken." 

"According to you, _nothing does,_ " Thor shot back, deliberately pitching his voice to convey irritation and frustration. Neither were hard to summon. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe that's what went wrong, before? That you never actually _said_ anything, never _told_ me that you were angry or upset? And now you're doing just the same thing again--"

Whatever was holding Loki back, it gave.

"Do you want me to give you all the gory details?” He said, his voice almost shrill. “Would that satisfy you? Do you want to know everything that he did to me, that I let him do, that I let all of them do? _Exactly_ how they used me, _fucked_ me, until no part of my body felt clean, felt like _mine?_ It felt like I was trapped in a shell, a _husk_ that I should be able to cast off and could not, and every touch made my skin crawl until that, too, passed, and I was numb.” 

Thor fell still. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear. But he made himself listen.

“Do you want to know about how it worked, how I wasn’t just - a _whore,_ I was a _thing,_ a piece of collateral to be bought and sold and discarded and retrieved? And through it all he had me dancing for his approval because if I didn’t have it he made sure I knew that I would be gone, and because his being pleased with me was the only _remotely_ good thing in my damned life.” Loki’s eyes gleamed, and Thor couldn’t tell if it was with anger or tears or both. “Do you want to hear that I gave up fighting because there was no point, because it was too tiring to try and the only way I could convince myself to keep _breathing_ was if I tried to believe that I wanted it? And sometimes, just sometimes, _I did._ " 

Thor kept himself from reeling. "You could," he said, struggling to keep his voice level. "You could say any of that, if you want."

Loki choked. "I don't," he said. "I don't _want,_ that's the _point. You_ want. You want me to unburden myself to you, as though speaking any of it will change what happened, what it made me, what I am now." One of his hands rose up toward the dark circle on his neck. "You can't _fix_ me. And it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters," Thor shot back. 

"It doesn't." Loki sucked in a breath. His shoulders hunched, his body tensing like he was bracing for Thor to lash out, and it was true that a part of him wanted to. But not at Loki, not really. "You don't _understand._ And don't - tell me to explain it to you," he added, when Thor opened his mouth. 

"Why not?" Thor asked. The belligerence that burst into his voice was probably a mistake, but he couldn't hold it back.

“There is no explanation!” Loki’s voice rose again. “I have nothing to give you, Thor. Nothing to tell you that will help you.”

“And what about that would help _you?_ ”

Loki’s eyes skittered away from Thor. “You’ve done enough,” he said. It was meant, Thor thought, as something other than what he heard. _You’ve done enough. You handed me to him on a platter and never looked back._

Some small part of Thor protested that he couldn’t have known. It was weak in the face of his guilt. Thor groped for words again, and this time what he found was, “I’m sorry.”

Loki jerked, his eyes snapping back to Thor. “I don’t...you don’t need to apologize to me.”

“I do,” Thor said. “Or - or if I don’t need to, at least I _want_ to. It was thoughtless, leaving you there so - vulnerable. I didn’t think of the possible consequences. I assumed you would find your way out of danger, but it was just that - an assumption.” 

Loki looked like he was going to start shaking. He looked uncertain, scanning Thor - and Thor recognized that expression, now. He was trying to read Thor’s mood, his unspoken signals, and guess what he wanted Loki to say. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” Thor said, and then added, “or do anything. I just thought that _I_ should say it.” 

Loki’s throat bobbed. He rocked back on his heels and then forward again, though he didn’t quite seem to be aware of doing it. He wasn’t arguing - but he wouldn’t, would he?

"You were wrong." Loki said suddenly. His voice was barely more than a whisper. "What you said. Before you left." 

Thor thought back, struggling to remember the words he'd used, though his heart was already sinking. "What part of it?" 

"That I could be more." His laugh was soft and bitter. "I never will be. I see that now. All my mistakes...came from reaching too far. Asking for too much. Trying to be more than..." He trailed off. "I should have picked that up before now. But if nothing else...if nothing else I need to be grateful to the Grandmaster for making it clear."

"No," Thor protested. "That's not true. He wanted you to think that way so he could control you--"

Loki smiled, crooked and pained. "He didn't need any help controlling me. It wasn't exactly a challenge."

Thor's stomach ached. "Then just because he could. That doesn't make it _true._ " Loki said nothing, but Thor knew better now than to take his silence as lack of argument. "Loki--"

"You don't need to convince me of anything," Loki said quietly. Thor closed his eye. 

"It isn't about _convincing_ you," he said. "It's about - you aren't seeing clearly. The Grandmaster - he got into your head and twisted your thoughts." Loki was just looking at him, patient, like he was just waiting for Thor to wear himself out, and it drove Thor _mad._ He wanted to grab Loki, to _shake_ him and shout until he understood how wrong everything he was saying was.

He knew it wouldn’t do any good. And might well do a great deal of harm. This Loki, after all, might just nod and agree and drop his eyes and shrink even further into himself, only adjusting the performance for Thor’s benefit. 

Thor swallowed hard and bowed his head. “Tell me what to say,” he said, anguished. “Tell me what to _do._ ”

“Please…” Loki’s voice trembled like he was barely keeping himself from crying. “Please leave, Thor. I’m sorry, I don’t - I just–” 

Thor opened his mouth to argue, then closed it and slumped. 

“All right,” he said. “All right. I’ll go.” At least, he told himself, Loki was asking him for something. But it was cold comfort, and he feared he might have just made everything worse.

* * *

Bruised, exhausted, and verging on despair, Thor retreated back to his own room to lick his wounds. He sat down heavily on the side of the bed and picked up a bottle cap, tossing it up and down in one hand. Going over and over in his head everything he’d said and done since Loki had come back, picking apart the places where he could have, might have, should have. 

He wished he could speak to his mother. He missed her, suddenly, with a pain like a knife in his heart. Thor tried to imagine what she would say, but he didn’t know. Or Sif - what would she advise? Where was she now? Loki had said he’d sent her away from Asgard, but he didn’t know where she had been when Asgard had fallen. Volstagg and Hogun might have some advice. Fandral, at least, would be able to make him laugh. 

He’d failed all of them. And now he was failing Loki, too. 

Thor fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling, imagining trying to speak to Loki again. _You don’t have to prove anything to me. All I want is for you to get better. All I want is to know how to help you._

_Tell me how I can help._

And what if there was nothing he could do? What if this was just how it was, now - how Loki was, now? What if the Grandmaster had done such good work on Thor’s brother that he’d altered him forever, left his black mark on his soul as surely as he had on Loki’s neck? 

_No,_ Thor thought, a wave of nausea rolling over him. _No, I won’t believe it._

_I won’t accept it._

His fears about making things worse seemed to have been realized, though, when he did not see so much as an eyelash of Loki the next day, or the day after. Once again, he seemed to have simply vanished from the ship, and this time there was no escaping the fact that it was because of him. Thor itched to go looking, to scratch like a cat at Loki’s closed door, but he pushed it down: just now, it seemed like chasing after Loki might make him run further away. Or he would not, but that might be worse. 

All he could do was try to be patient. 

He’d never been very good at that. 

_Tell me if you see him,_ he said pleadingly to Heimdall, and searched every crowd of people he saw, even knowing that Loki was unlikely to be found within them. He stopped by Loki’s room and knocked but didn’t try the door. He went over what he could say when he saw Loki next - meticulously planning his words, imagining with no small amount of self-indulgence that Loki would hear him and understand him and things would get _better._

Three days, four. Frustration warred with worry and exhaustion within him, the worry winning out increasingly often. 

After five full days, Thor stopped by Loki’s room again and knocked twice, then rested his head against the door. “You don’t have to talk to me,” he said, “but if you’re in there...please give me some sign so I at least know that you are alive?” 

Nothing. Of course, maybe that just meant Loki wasn’t inside - had found somewhere else to hide. Or maybe it meant Loki didn’t want to respond at all. 

Or maybe it meant that something terrible had happened. What if Loki had tried to rip the obedience disc out of his neck on his own? 

What if he’d done some sort of harm to himself even more deliberately?

On the eighth day, Thor let himself into his room after a long day managing various brush fires and stopped dead. Loki was sitting on his bed, one knee drawn up toward his chest, his head back against the wall and his eyes closed. He looked wretched: pale but with a fever flush in his cheeks, his face drawn, dark circles around his eyes, and for a terrifying moment Thor half thought he couldn't see him breathing. 

"Hello, Thor," he said faintly, and Thor heard himself make a small noise, lurching forward. 

"Loki," he said, voice ragged. "Norns, are you - are you _sick?_ " It was rare, but not unheard of, and when Loki had been young - Thor wondered now if that had something to do with his being a Jotun among Aesir, susceptible to diseases that others scarcely noticed. 

"I don't know," Loki said. Thor walked over and laid a hand on Loki's forehead. He felt too warm, and Thor pressed his lips together. 

"We should take you to a healer." 

"I don't want to." Loki turned his head away from Thor's hand. "I think I'm just...tired." 

"You feel feverish." 

"I can't sleep." Loki opened his eyes, finally, though just barely. "I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I thought maybe if I was here--" He stopped, and Thor waited, frowning. "I thought it might be easier," he said finally, voice substantially smaller. 

"Easier?" Thor asked. Loki turned his head so Thor could only see his profile.

"It used to be," he said, barely audible. "And I suppose some - some part of me still wants to believe that you can make everything better."

Thor's body jerked like Loki had punched him in the chest. It felt a little like it, too. And yet some part of him thought _I could if you let me_ even though he knew it wasn't true, it wasn't that easy, he couldn't do that for Loki and maybe had never been able to. "Oh," he managed, after several seconds. Loki twitched.

"You don't have to," Loki said. "It isn't your work to do. I know that." 

"If I knew how," Thor started, then stopped himself and said instead, "if you had any ideas how--"

"I don't," Loki said. He shook himself. "I am - my apologies. I didn't expect you back. I'll--" He moved to get up, and Thor reached out to stop him. Loki froze, tensing, and Thor snatched his hand quickly back. 

"Don't," he said, and then stopped and said, "I mean - you don't have to leave. Not for my sake." He tracked down a smile, though it felt pathetically weak. "If you _want_ to - but don't feel like you need to. You're not...bothering me." 

Loki hesitated, then settled back, though the vulnerability was gone. He was tense, guarded, and Thor wanted to sigh. 

Instead he sat down on the bed as well, leaving some distance between them and looking ahead rather than at Loki. 

"Did it help?" He asked, after a long silence. "At all?"

"Being here?" Loki's shoulders slumped. "I don't know." He paused. "I know you...want to help, Thor. I know I am not making it easy. I don't know what to do with myself either. I can _see..._ but I can't _stop._ I know you are frustrated, maddened, even, by my..." Loki inhaled, shakily. "I think he broke me. And I cannot find a way to piece it all back together." 

Thor sucked in a breath. _That's not true,_ he wanted to say, forcefully, but he held himself back. Hadn't he thought the same thing? Feared the same thing? "Maybe not yet," he said, choosing his words carefully, "but that doesn't mean - never. And...and even if I cannot _fix_ it for you...I at least want to be here. To listen. Or...not even to listen, if you don't want to speak, just...if you wanted to come here and sit, whether I'm here or not - you can. And if you _want_ me to be here, you can ask. Or...or if you don't. You can ask that too." 

Loki let out a shuddering sigh. His eyes closed. The light overhead threw his cheekbones into sharp relief. "I would have come back," he said. "If he hadn't found me, I would have - I would have found a way to follow you. Even if you were wrong about my - potential..."

"I wasn't," Thor said, some part of him warmed by Loki's saying that, even if there was no way to know if it was truth. It was what he'd hoped for, after all. "I wasn't wrong. If I can - if you would believe one thing I say, believe that. That you're more than what the Grandmaster tried to make you. More than - the part you have been playing."

Loki still wasn't looking at him. "How do you know that?"

"I'm your brother. Wouldn't I know?" 

"There were a lot of things you didn't know about me." Loki swayed a little, but before Thor could decide if he should reach out to steady him he had already steadied himself. "Are you never weary, Thor? Do you never want it all to just...stop?" 

Fear shivered through Thor as he pictured Loki hanging off the end of the Bifrost, all the emotion on his face replaced by exhaustion before he let go. "Loki," he said with sudden urgency. "If you are considering - if you intend to - hurt yourself--"

Loki blinked, and then let out a faint and far from reassuring laugh. "No, Thor," he said. "I don't. I am aware that would cause more problems for you than it would solve for me."

Panic throbbed in Thor's chest. "Not least among them that you would be _dead,_ " he said, too loudly, and regretted it when Loki flinched - but then again, he also _finally_ actually looked in Thor's direction. He forced his voice to soften. "Whatever grievances have lain between us - that is an outcome I cannot accept." 

Loki didn't look...surprised, exactly. But enough like it that it stung. "You thought otherwise," he said, heavily. Loki shrugged, bowing his head forward. 

"The expression 'more trouble than it is worth' comes to mind." 

"Not to mine," Thor said firmly. Loki's shoulders dropped a notch. 

"I am, though," he said. "So tired. I keep dying, only I don't. Breaking only to get up and move on. And sometimes..."

" _I'm_ glad," Thor interrupted. "I'm glad you're here. With me. If that can mean something."

"It does," Loki said. "More than I can...but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like - like _filth._ Like I sit here, some rotted carcass fouling the Asgard you are fighting to rebuild." 

Thor wished with violent, brutal passion that he could wring the Grandmaster's neck. Or tear it out with his teeth, maybe. "You aren't," he said firmly. "You have been nothing but helpful. And even if - even if you did nothing at all, that still would not be true." Loki said nothing, and Thor said, "I mean it."

Loki sighed, after a long silence. "I wish I could believe you," he said, "but even as you speak there is a voice that says - _this is just his kindness. His generosity._ " He shrugged one shoulder. "I am still grateful."

_Why,_ Thor wanted to plead, _why won't you believe me?_ but he didn't really think that would be an easy question to answer. Loki's own nature. Centuries of lies. And most recently, the work the Grandmaster had done to deconstruct his brother, to wear him down so that Loki could not, would not, fight him. 

What could he do, against all that? 

"I am sorry," Loki said again, and Thor shook his head. 

"You don't need to apologize."

Loki glanced at him, and then leaned ever so slowly sideways, slumping against Thor's shoulder. "I feel that I should." 

"I'm telling you that you needn't." He didn't move to put an arm around Loki, fearing he would shy away, perhaps, if Thor drew attention to the fact that he'd drawn close. 

"I should go," Loki said, but he didn't move. 

"You needn't do that, either," Thor said gently. Loki sighed.

"I don't deserve this," he said. "I don't deserve you." 

"You're right about half of that," Thor said. "You don't deserve this, in that you don't deserve to feel the way you do right now. If you meant being here...then I have to disagree. And if you can't believe that...at least believe that I mean it."

Loki's head felt heavy where it rested on his shoulder. And Thor did move, now, to put an arm around him, resting his hand very lightly on Loki's shoulder. A part of him ached for how careful it felt - how far from the easy affection they'd once had. But mostly he was glad when Loki just sighed again and didn't pull away, even relaxing a little. 

"Sometimes I wish," Loki said, but then stopped. "On Boeralla Station," he said, after a pause. "When you saw me. You could have walked away. Why didn't you?" 

"I didn't think of it," Thor said. "Not for a moment." He smiled weakly. "I am not very good at walking away from you. Even on Sakaar...I know it cannot be comfort, but I almost couldn't." 

Loki swallowed. "I wish you hadn't been able to," he said, like it was something shameful he needed to admit to. Thor closed his own eye.

"Now, so do I."

“No part of you…” Loki made a faint noise. “No part of you feels that, on some level, it was only my comeuppance?”

Thor’s breath caught. “No,” he said. “ _No._ I would never - not for a moment.” 

Loki exhaled slowly. “That,” he said, “is a relief to hear.” 

Thor ached again. His arm tightened slightly and he forced himself to relax again. “I am sorry you have spent this long believing otherwise,” he said. 

“Not your fault,” Loki said. His voice sounded blurry. When he turned his face toward Thor’s shoulder, his cheek felt hot.

_Isn’t it?_ Thor thought, but he kept it to himself. “Are you certain you don’t need a healer?” 

“No,” Loki said. “I mean. Yes. I just need to rest.” 

“Are you going to fall asleep on me?” Thor asked, meaning to tease. 

“Could I?” Loki said, after a moment. Thor blinked, and Loki scoffed, quietly. “It’s - foolish, isn’t it? But I remember - when we were children, how I used to sneak into your rooms when I had ill dreams. And you wouldn’t quite wake up, but you’d move over to make room and then wrap your arms around me and...and sometimes it was like you were a shield. Holding the nightmares at bay.” He hummed. “Pathetic, the things one thinks of at times like this.”

“It’s not pathetic,” Thor protested.

“It is. But thank you.” Loki sighed, still not moving away.

Thor hesitated, then twisted carefully to wrap his arms gently around Loki, holding him like he was a bird cupped between two hands. He tucked Loki’s head under his chin, and if it was awkward…

“I’m quite a bit bigger than I was then,” Thor said. “I can ward off bigger nightmares, now.”

Loki, who had gone utterly still when Thor embraced him, laughed - quiet, brief, but it was still a laugh. “You think so?”

“It only makes sense.” 

Loki was quiet for a few breaths, and then slumped against him again. “Maybe,” he said. “Maybe you’re right.”

“One way to find out,” Thor said, trying to keep his voice light though he felt like he was inching across thin ice. Loki shuddered very slightly, and Thor could feel him hesitating. 

He made a small noise, on the verge of a sob. “Maybe just for a little while?” 

More than anything, Thor felt a rush of relief. “As long as you want,” he said. “As long as you need.”

The bed was too small. It was far from comfortable. But Thor held Loki as he had, once upon a time, and pretended not to hear the ragged sound of his fighting back tears, gradually slowing and tapering off into soft, quiet breathing. 

Sleeping at last, Thor thought. _Norns, please, give him a little rest._

Loki slept through the night. Not peacefully, but he slept. Maybe it had nothing to do with Thor. Maybe he was just exhausted enough that his body wouldn’t let him rouse. 

But maybe not. 

Maybe it was a start.


End file.
